The Cuban Missile Crisis, as managed by a very stable genius named Donald Trump
Honestly, when I wrote this, it wasn't remotely a parody.
October 16 marks the 62nd anniversary of the beginning of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Six days later, on October 22, President John F. Kennedy went on national television to inform Americans of the unfolding, hair-raising prospect of thermonuclear war.
Why didn’t the world end in those Thirteen Days, the title of the late Senator and then-Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy’s memoir of the showdown between the Soviet Union and the United States?
Well, let me Dick and Jane it for you.
You are alive to read this because the right person happened to be President of the United States, and he had top-notch advisers, primarily his brother.
So, let me scare the hell out of you — not that you need that any more than you’ve experienced—when a chartreuse cotton candy-haired lunatic rode down an escalator nine years ago.
Imagine if Donald Trump were president of the United States in late October, 1962.
Go take your beta blocker.
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“Good morning, Mr. President”.
“Good morning, General Flynn”.
“Sir, according to our U-2 overflights, the Soviets are placing intercontinental ballistic missiles in Cuba”.
“Great! How can we help them?”
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“Hey, Nikita! How’s it hangin’, baby? Getting any? How’s the golf game? I shot a 59 at Augusta last Saturday”.
“Bro, that is epic. What can I do ya for?”
“Hey, our lying retards in the intelligence community picked up your missiles in Cuba. What’s up with that?”
“Well, Mr. President, when you were calling me obsessively before you were elected in 1960, we agreed that I can do whatever the hell I want, and NATO should be defunded. So, per our chat, I am doing whatever the hell I want”.
“That’s cool. However, I am getting a lot of blowback from the American people because they watch the lying CBS Fake News with Walter Cronkite. Have you seen this guys’s neck? He’s a fat pig. Looks ten years older than he is”.
“Well, you can just tell the American people that we are there as liberators of your imploding democracy”.
“Yeah, Mayor Daley was jailed for the Illinois vote count, and, frankly, I have jailed every governor of every state that certified my opponent’s state vote. Kennedy is weak, bad back, gets caught with pussy, and is dumb, so dumb”.
“I suggest, Mr. President, that you welcome us as saviors, sign over all federal mineral leases to us, seize all farmland in the midwest, and send us all your surplus grain and corn”.
“Will do, buddy”.
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“Good evening, my fellow citizens. This government, as promised, has maintained the closest surveillance of the island of Cuba. Last week, during my vacation in Mar-A-Lago, so-called “unmistakable evidence” of Soviet missiles in Cuba, and, believe me, I think it’s a hoax , but I gotta tell you, I think the missile photographs are rigged, airbrushed, a lie”.
“Anyway, I was talking to Nikky—I call him Nikky—not to be confused with my birdbrain United Nations Ambassador, and I said, Nikky, what up with the missiles in Cuba, if they’re not airbrushed in”.
“So I say, sir, I call him sir, I know you mean no evil intent, like the enemies within here who should frankly be locked up, like my moron Gen. Milley, who won’t do anything I tell him, anyway, and I am going to have him executed for treason”.
“Be cool America. It’s all good, and if you can’t buy bread or corn or meat anymore, it’s President Eisenhower’s fault, the sucker and loser who defeated my hero, Adolf Hitler, in a war that was fixed, I have to say honestly. I couldn’t fight in it anyway, because of the old bone spurs”.
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HEADLINE: THE NEW YORK TIMES, OCTOBER 29, 1962:
SAVVY TRUMP STARES DOWN KHRUSHCHEV, SAVING PLANET FROM NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON; MILLIONS WILL STARVE BECAUSE OF GRAIN EXPORT DEAL, BUT IT’S WORTH IT, NBC JUST OPTIONED IT FOR REALITY SHOW IN FALL, 1963
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“Good evening, this is the Huntley-Brinkley Report. This is Chet Huntley in New York…”.
…”and this is David Brinkley in Washington.”
“President Trump sold out the American people today with a bogus grain deal that will starve most of Americans to death by January. Here’s NBC News Correspondent John Chancellor, live, via Telstar, with that repor…WAIT! ARMY SOLDIERS ARE IN THE STUDIO RIGHT NOW, AND…THEY’VE ARRESTED JOHN AND DAVID. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME. YOU CAN’T STOP TRUTH! This is Chet Huntley, in custody”.
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“Good night, America. Good night, Democracy, and good night from all of us at NBC News”.
“Now stay tuned for your late local happy news with only genetically male athletes and blonde hookers, followed by The Tonight Show, with Don Junior, whose guests include Scott Baio, Dennis Quaid, Jon Voight, and Ye”.
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Hey folks! Quick poll tonight:
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Hi—thanks so much for your subscriptions, paid or otherwise. Substack is now my main source of income, and I’d like to eventually mostly transition over to that, after looking at opportunities in the private sector (swing shift, In-N-Out). I am enjoying my life again because of all of you, regardless, and I get to roll out my obsessive knowledge of the Cuban Missile Crisis, which is the weirdest 1970s teen hobby ever. Catch you tomorrow. —J
Well Jack funny you should bring up the Cuban Missile Crisis and October 22. That happens to be the first day I spent in the army Oct 22, 62. The welcoming speech, at midnight, by the drill Sergeant went into great detail about the Cuban Blockade and how that was usually the first step of war and that we recruits would most likely be first on the Cuban beaches as the experienced veterans would be doing the mopping up after we absorbed the brunt of the Cuban defensive firepower. I had joined to get out of a home town that had little regard for the child of "okies" fleeing the dust of the Great Depression not to die on some nameless beach on Cuba. The Sergeants final words of wisdom were "Pay attention to what we will be teaching you in the days and weeks to come and in your spare time practice your Spanish". Thanks to Kennedy in a couple of weeks the crisis became a footnote in my history rather than a tombstone for my final resting place.
I can just imagine how the moron would have dealt with international relations in the 1960s and 1970s. Remember the Great Grain Robbery, when a large fraction of the US grain supply was sold off to the USSR? US farmers accused the government of selling the grain at low prices to the USSR to keep domestic prices low. But then a few weeks later domestic prices went through the roof because of the shortage created by the sale. The moron could never in a million years understand what happened. Yesterday in a painful interview by the economics community in Chicago he once again insisted that the US had been paid “billions” by the Chinese because of the tariffs. How many times has it been explained to this numbskull that it doesn’t work that way? Mary says he gets something firmly in his head and it must therefore be true.