My Totally Objective New York Times Opinion Piece, As Enabled by The New York Times

I don't have McSweeney's email address, so you guys get it instead...

The New York Times ran an opinion piece the other day by Rich Lowry, the editor of the National Review. Now, the National Review, to its initial credit, was Never Trump early on. I know Bill Buckley, who I enjoyed as a kid because he was interesting and a fun gadfly, hated Trump and would hate him now. I read Chris Buckley’s book, Losing Mum and Pup: A Memoir, about WFB’s last days, and Chris is a terrific talent in his own right: “Thank You For Smoking”, among other efforts. Now, I have no idea where NR is. Lowry wrote that Trump was the character candidate in the race, under this headline:

“Trump Can Win on Character”

This caused me to, um, suspend my 40 year subscription to The New York Times.

I didn’t make this decision lightly, and if I see signs of, you know, moral clarity, I’ll reconsider. But now I’m out, for the moment.

They have great talents there, obviously, and I know a few brilliant Timespeople. But for God’s sake, that any sane editor would run this silly BS is truly alarming. Lowry can think what he wants, and run it in National Review (I used to subscribe to that as well). But to have the Times amplify this is crazy, given that they fired James Bennet, the Editor of the Editorial Pages, for running a piece by Sen. Tom Cotton, a ectomorphic creep, makes no sense at all. It’s not censorship; it’s just a simple editing judgment decision.

I had quite a go-round with several friends about this, and almost to a person, they said they had canceled months ago, or even last year, because of this kind of thing.

This surprised me.

I’m keeping my Washington Post subscription currently, because I like their political coverage, but for the love of God, they’re becoming weird, too.

They’re on the bubble with me.

Look. I write opinion. I work with opinion editors each day at the San Francisco Chronicle, and I can personally assure you that if I pitched this, I might not be working for the San Francisco Chronicle much longer, or at least they’d say, buddy, we ain’t running that. Try again, fast.

This has caused me to write a proposed piece for the Times, who doesn’t seem to be all that concerned that enabling people like Lowry, just ratifies what a lot of my circle is saying: WTF with the NYT?

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“Trump’s Obvious Mental Illness Doesn’t At All Concern Us”

by Joe Goebbels, Joe Isuzu, and Jonathan Swift

While many Americans are concerned with former President Donald Trump’s profound narcissism and sociopathic behavior, voters should look on the bright side.

Trump’s candidacy and positions have obvious upsides that we should consider when going into the voting booth on November 5th.

For example, having a mentally ill president will force a much-needed re-examination of this country’s mental health delivery system, which is a good thing for the American people.

When Trump says crazy things, as he does every hour on the hour, we can all look ourselves in the mirror and say, what more can I do to help mentally ill Americans to get the help they desperately need?

Let’s say Trump proposes breaking all Jewish people’s businesses windows at night, we can, instead of bemoaning the acts, call for a new national policy of safer, unbreakable windows. If we cut our feet on the broken glass, maybe it’s time for stronger shoe sole regulations and a more responsive street sweeping system.

Or if Trump says that we should inject Ivermectin, a bovine medication in paste form, to stave off Covid-19, maybe it would behoove us to really consider a wider role for cows at the Centers for Disease Control. Dr. Anthony Fauci, for example, isn’t a cow. How could he possibly know whether Ivermectin is effective or not? Increased Covid-19 death rates could be laughed off, like last time, and we could all use a good chuckle.

Let’s examine Putin and Ukraine under a mentally ill President Donald Trump.

Putin would be afraid in a world under Trump, where he would be forced with a series of difficult choices. Should he invade Europe, inviting a logistical morass of military, bureaucratic and corporate changes that would make him have to take a nap after drinking the blood of the Baltic States? Would he then turn NATO into a soccer league?

In short, a happy Putin is a happy Trump, and that’s a happy America. And who doesn’t like soccer?

REAL AMERICANS.

Ukraine? He’d have to install a new puppet government, which could consume an entire afternoon and force him to fit all the surviving Ukrainians in new uniforms, which could clog up Russian clothing suppliers for weeks on end? Would he have to build thousands of new backhoes to dig the graves of the innocent people he slaughtered for ego? That could take months as well. Installing Tucker Carlson as the new Minister for Correct Thinking could jam Russian airwaves with ghastly images of a grown man wearing a child’s clip-on bow tie.

No.

But it would be cool. We like freedom. And new uniforms and cemeteries can be picturesque.

On the economy, a mentally ill Trump would have to create a new economic order devoted exclusively to the pampering of billionaires and the 400 wealthiest families in the United States. Caviar supplies would soon run out, 1965 Verve Cilquots would go down countless gullets and into fat guts, increasing health care costs, forcing billions of francs in grape subsidies in France, and mink supplies could go the way of the dodo bird. But, on balance, a rising rich white guy Trump tide lifts all yachts. We can just bribe more people, or indulge in emoluments, which Americans will learn about. A strong knowledge of the U.S. Constitution would be great.

Reproductive rights? As the best president ever for a woman’s right to choose, he’d have to supervise all the women he can’t personally rape or molest, let alone humiliate teen girls in beauty contests. That’s stressful, and no mentally ill person likes stress. But childcare costs could increase daycare provider’s income under a second Trump presidency, and that’s a good thing. Teen girls? Whatever, brat. You’re with Kamabla anyway. Oppressing women is the American pastime, and are you a Kamala Kommie or a strong, virile man? Wake up and smell the musk. And Musk. Kicking women is aerobic, too. Physical fitness is key to any healthy country. Ask Hitler.

Let’s not even mention the use of Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet. The fuel costs and carbon footprint alone would be staggering. However, private jets are really neat.

Climate? A mentally ill Donald Trump would be forced to spend millions on reinforcing his golf courses, elevate Mar-a-Lago thirty feet, and expend precious personal energy denying that climate change is real. collapsing ecosystem could severely tax any president, but a president suffering from mental illness might have to take even more speed than he does already, upsetting his delicate emotional state. On the plus side of the ledger? Surfing in Indianapolis.

The border? Rounding up children is time-consuming and imposes real societal and economic costs on bus lines, barbed-wire manufacturers, and survival blanket supply chains could collapse. Building a wall that he already built would be an added economic strain on Texas and other border states. He’d go even more postal. But more brown people crying out for human rights is boring. And don’t get us started on kids and their constant colds. On the whole, deported kids cut down on virus spread, so put that down as a win.

Guns? An unregulated flow of assault weapons would kill thousands of school children, which would force other surviving school children to cheat on their exams and make others take test for them. Trump knows this from personal experience. But funeral homes would experience a real economic boost.

What about election integrity? Remaking a one-party fascist superstate election system would force the destruction of thousands of voting machines, a waste of taxpayer dollars that could be spent on ammunition to give to potential rioters at the U.S. Capitol. Upside? No yapping divided government.

In short, a mentally ill president could, in some ways, indeed benefit American society, viewed objectively, and the New York Times is all about objectivity.

A weakened NYT could mean the end of the free flow of information in this nation, and news is just stressful, anyway.

Let Trump be Trump.

We know that sounds crazy.

But welcome to The New New York Times.

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Jacknote: Kids, your paid subscription can do several things. If you’re digging this Substack, I really need your help, and it will keep it going far into the future, or as far of a future a 63.98 year old has (doc says I’m good to go, or stay). It’s now the plurality of my income, and I am really trying to transition over to this format as soon as I can. I cannot convey to you how grateful I am for your financial support. I’m not trying to become a millionaire, but it would be nice. A higher thousandaire would work. But this is a job, and getting paid for one’s work is a good thing and helps strengthen our U.S. economy.

If you’re a paid subscriber, thank God and bless you. If not, it’s $6.66 a week (weird) at an $80/per year rate.

I feel like I’m busking here, and I kind of am. But busking requires three hots and a cot, and I profoundly thank you.

I’ll be announcing a new paid subscriber premium and offers soon, just as soon as I can get help with the math of it all.

Gratefully, and more…

Jack