Presidential succession and you.

Be afraid. Very afraid.

As these calamitous and (mostly) incompetent/and/or intellectually insulting people cascade into my news alerts one after the other, I remembered that there is a small but real possibility that one of them could become president, if President-elect (God almighty) Donald Trump were somehow to become incapacitated or die.

There was a rather compelling ABC program called “Designated Survivor” a few years ago, where the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, played by Kiefer Sutherland, becomes president of the United States after a bomb explodes at the State of the Union address. It was kind of ABCish, but one cannot rule out these national catastrophes, even if the chances are infinitesimal.

I know this is an Old School Observation, but shouldn’t people in the cabinet be, you know, reliable people who can step in the Big Job, if necessary? I guess all those competence stuff went out the window when the American electorate voted to make a convicted felon president of the United States.

No. I still don’t have my head around it, and may well never. FDR and JFK ruined me forever, I guess.

Let’s review the 2025 presidential line of succession, and I hope you’re sitting down:

1. Vice President JD Vance (wrote a book and has been in the U.S Senate for thirteen minutes, called Trump America’s Hitler)

2. Speaker Mike Johnson (whack job evangelical enabler)

3. Senate President Pro Tem Chuck Grassley (age 91)

4. Secretary of State Marco Rubio (said Trump had small hands and was correct, self-humiliating Florida senator)

5. Secretary of the Treasury Scott Bessent (Actually competent and only gay in cabinet—how did he get through?)

6. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth (Good God in heaven!) (FOX host! and failed at most everything outside of being a Minnesota National Guard Major. His mom hates him)

7. Attorney General Pam Bondi (At least it’s not Gaetz. Florida AG)

8. Secretary of the Interior Doug Burghum (Billionaire energy executive…what? That can’t happen! Gov. of North Dakota, which is about the size of Oklahoma City)

9. Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins (Head of the Trump-aligned America First PAC)

10. Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick (Nutty, blabbermouthed Cantor-Fitzgerald CEO)

11. Secretary of Labor Lori Chavez-Deremer (one term Oregon congresswoman who lost a few weeks ago)

12. Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. (diagnosable narcissistic sociopath and entitled roadkill enthusiast, both land and sea)

13. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Scott Turner (NFL player, only Black in the cabinet, defeated congressional candidate)

14. Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy (FOX Host, former congressman)

15. Secretary of Energy Chris Wright (Oil and Gas CEO, duh)

16. Secretary of Education Linda McMahon (Wrestling executive—makes perfect sense, really)

17. Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins (Congressman and Trump apologist, and an Air Force Reserve Chaplain)

18. Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem (extremist dog executioner and Gov. of South Dakota, which is slightly larger than North Dakota)

*************************

OK. Are you breathing? Because I’m not.

Let’s just look at the more horrifying examples. JD Vance? Sofa aficionado, liar, cheap mascara fan, pretty solid writer, but I’m sorry…any actual executive experience? Plus he’s just an awkward nerd/creepshow.

Mike Johnson as president? Wow. I’m getting lightheaded just thinking about this; he makes Kevin McCarthy look like Winston Churchill—at least he hated Matt Gaetz. Johnson protected Gaetz and his pedophilia predilections. Johnson has been a nothing, a weakling, a supplicant. I would absolutely and without hesistation rather have President Kevin McCarthy, and that I wrote that scares the hell out of me.

Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley is Number 3, and he’s, um, 91. So there’s that. I guess I’d still pick him out of the top six, and that’s not saying much.

At Number 6, Hegseth is probably the most horrifying of the top tier. I wouldn’t want this guy on KP in my Army unit, let alone president of the United States. He’s a drunk, a cad, a mediocre Fox host (weekends only!), a screw-up, and has white supremacist and AR-15 tats on his chest. Would Dick Cheney have that? Well, I haven’t seen his chest, nor do I choose to do so. Mine isn’t that great either, honestly.

At Number 7, Pam Bondi, the former Florida AG, is nothing but a political ambulance chaser, a hired gun whose main recent hustle has been to kiss Trump’s ample, Depends-soaked ass and make sure he’s covered. She killed a Florida investigation into Trump “University,” which defrauded lots of naive people who probably also think Trump will make a fine president. Oh, and she’s white and blonde, just like a FOX News host. Tres important for the presidency!

Number 12. There’s Bobby Jr., the former junkie/anti-vax nut. This man is going to kill lots and lots of people because he read something on the internet once. If he became President, the Oval Office would be padded. Amazingly, a Kennedy hasn’t been in the presidential line of succession since 1964, when his father quit as AG and ran for the U.S. Senate.

If you had asked me 25 years ago who the most likely potential presidential candidates of Bobby Jr.’s generation were, I wouldn’t have even put RFK Jr. in there, because he was a famous heroin addict/punk/asshole. I would probably have said:

1. John F. Kennedy, Jr.

2. Caroline Kennedy

3. Kathleen Kennedy Townsend

If I got to throw in a few more Kennedys with Possibilities, I would say that former Rep. Joe Kennedy III would be at top of the pile until a few months ago. Caroline’s son Jack Kennedy Schlossberg looks very promising, too. But now that RFK Jr. has defined the brand downward, I think it’s game over for this star-crossed family.

Number 16: Linda McMahon. THE WRESTLING LADY LINDA MCMAHON. I’m not even sure that she can run a wrestling league, let alone be president of the United States. Of all the most intellectually insulting picks for the cabinet, I’d put her in the top five. Education secretary? I mean, put her in something she at least has a lane. Commerce? Commerce is the harmless, most prestigious-sounding job in the cabinet.

At Number 18, Kristi Noem is possibly the most frightening. She actually had a complete makeover to make herself look like Melania Trump. LOOK AT HER. WHY? That is SO effed up, in the constant words of a former Oregonian colleague, and she didn’t say effed. Plus, she killed her pet dog because she couldn't train it. They’re killing … they’re killing the dogs that they own!

People, I try not to panic, much. I am very close to panic here, because cabinet members need to be two things:

1. Accomplished in their respective fields

2. Sober-minded individuals who take their jobs and the future of the United States seriously.

I’d say Rubio, Bessent, and Burghum are the only solid plays out of 18. That’s fifteen weirdos (welcome back, the word “weirdo”). I can name three people who were contestants on The Apprentice who are more qualified to be president of the United States.

I know. You didn’t want to get more depressed today, and neither did I.

I’ll post something chirpier tomorrow. Maybe.

*************************

Hey, folks: I’ll post my column about Hunter Biden in the Chronicle tomorrow morning. Have a great evening!—J.