On vacation with Donald Trump...

My idea of hell, really...

I’m embarrassed to say I like going to Waikiki. It’s like admitting that you secretly like the song, “It’s a Small World After All.”

After ten months digesting the events surrounding my layoff/firing/whatever you want to call it, I finally got to take a vacation on Oahu last week. You know, to get away from it all. In my case, getting away from the bloated, spray-painted face of Donald J. Trump is “it all”.

After all, I have to look at this Michelin Man With Chartreuse Fiberglass On His Head every day. Unlike you, I can’t change the channel.

I know going to Hawaii will get me away from him! It’ll be great! No one will bring him up!

I didn’t willingly turn on cable news. I only checked my phone and email occasionally. I focused on whether or not to add condensed milk to my shave ice. I listened to relentless Hawaiian music that drifted up from the Mai Tai Bar, which featured a cover of Hotel California with the requisite ukuleles.

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave--like Trump.

As the verdict approached, I had hoped that the jury, the poor bastards, would take just enough time to let me have eight days without having to worry about this prevaricating shitbag.

While wandering through Barnes & Noble at Ala Wai Mall, CNN put up the push notification that Trump was guilty on all 34 counts.

As a generally nervous person, particularly about Trump, I had worried about the potential rogue juror, who was variously described as antsy, grumpy, or faintly disinterested. I thought, well, an antsy ADHD juror would be included in a jury of the 45^thpresident’s peers. One juror who isn’t sold means Trump wins.

At the bookstore, I was specifically trying to find Doris Kearns Goodwin’s new book about going through Dick Goodwin’s 300 boxes of JFK and LBJ stuff. While chewing on the notion that Trump was the first president ever to be convicted of a felony, I had time to contrast Kennedy, Johnson, and Trump.

JFK, LBJ: No felonies, smart guys, knew what they were doing.

TRUMP: Intellectually disengaged, sunsetting felon, crazy, clueless.

The second thing that came to mind was Garry Trudeau’s Doonesbury panel about Megaphone Mark Slackmeyer’s comment on Attorney General John Mitchell: “THAT’S GUILTY! GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!”

As in, we knew this guy was always guilty, any third grader could see that the preponderance of evidence showed it, as well as in the other cases Trump has been involved in.

The overthrowing the government case, the stolen documents case, and the vote-rigging in Georgia case come to mind as things that are self-evident. 34 counts down, 57 to go.

Speaking of 57 to go, I have to imagine there were a few Heinz ketchup bottles hitting the wall in Trump Tower.

I am unsure why , in 1789, the founding fathers left out the No One Can Be A Felon And Be President part of the U.S. Constitution, but they did. They were far more concerned about a foreign national becoming president.

I suppose they just thought, well, that’s just fantastical silliness. Voters would never put up with that, nor would the power structure.

Hey, welcome to 2024, people from 1789. Let’s talk.

As for outward reaction to the Trump verdict that I saw from my Waikiki Bureau, I didn’t see any of it. I saw a lot of people from Japan not worrying about who their Prime Minister is. I saw orange-headed birds trying to eat my brioche.

 In fact, the only Trump Droppings I saw the entire time in Hawaii was a surfer’s truck, a new one, covered in Trump and MAGA slogans. I thought, well, you ruined a nice paint job.

Trump’s 33 minute peepants “press conference” had no questions (Trump Comm Guy Pro-tip: Press cofeves should feature inquiries from the news media), but you could practically smell Trump’s Depends filling up as he spoke. Good.

I had no real illusions about whether or not I could avoid this jackass’s name, but I didn’t expect he’d work double-time to make sure I did.

You can check out any time you want, remember

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