Oh, what a tangled weave we weave...

...Can Trump just be institutionalized immediately?

I see the obviously addlebrained former President Donald Trump was engaged in his usual mentally ill, circumlocutious riffing in Johnstown, Pennsylvania the other day about his so fantastic, amazing very, very stable genius mind and how it’s the very, very largest ever, according to all his English professor friends.

Name one.

Just one English professor friend. One.

Doesn’t have to be Ivy League. It can be a state school. Even a community college, which usual features Ivy League-educated English Ph.Ds, because there are only so many jobs. Heck, it could be a high school English teacher in Queens.

Look, fatass, you don’t know one effing English professor, let alone having one as a friend. I am lightly acquainted with a few English professors. I know more history professors who I actually do things with—one in particular, who I need to call tonight, anyway. I’ll bet he doesn’t even have many English professor friends (those people just deconstruct things—not interpreting actual facts, like history professors).

Hey, English professors: you need to know what history profs actually think about what you do.

Me? I love English professors, for the record. In fact, when I was a humble T.A. for Professor David Horowitz ( a damned genius, and stable, for a history professor) I graded blue books. Fun fact: the English majors did better on the blue books than most of the history majors did.

English professors, why is “history” down and “English” up?

I did well in history, as a very stable (mostly) genius (like Spinoza!), but I have often wondered how well I would have done in English. I will tell you now: not as well.

I raised a person who has an MFA in Creative Writing from A Major Program, and I consider her the closest person in my life who would qualify as an English professor. I would say this person, who I am related to by paternity, is at the top one percent of any English professor you’re going to meet, and I will bet she thinks that Trump’s brain weaving isn’t genius, it’s a neurological disorder with a dash o’ fascism.

I am only mentioning this beloved Person To Whom I Am Related as an example of how good they have to be to remotely cut it in the competitive English Professor Environment.

Is that a run-on sentence? It’s damned close. Any English professors out there? Bueller?

Anyway, Trump was vomiting a tasty word salad on himself yesterday, congratulating himself on his so very fabulous, tremendous mind for throwing out nine subjects and then bringing these subjects in for a landing.

Oh, bullshit.

I’ve watched this moron a hundred times and I have never thought, wow, what a very stable genius of a political orator.

I have thought this about Franklin Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, Jesse Jackson, Mario Cuomo, (not Ronald Reagan—he had a different manner, but effective), Gavin Newsom, Neil Goldschmidt, and a few more I can’t remember.

But not Trump.

“You know, I do the weave…you know what the weave is? I’ll talk about like nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together, and it’s like, friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, ‘It’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen.’”

No, it is not the most brilliant thing they’ve ever seen.

This is what they think: you sound like a privileged 18 year old who hasn’t done the reading, rambling through total BS in front of an English Comp class.

That’s what they think.

Timothy O’Brien, the journalist/author/poor bastard who has to write about this headcase, said “What this really reflects is that he is aware of the criticism that he is publicly saying nonlinear, nonsensical word salad, and he is trying to pretend there is a strategy or logic behind it when there isn’t.”

That’s about right. Again, my condolences for having to chronicle this fool.

In fact, I am not sure I have heard anything remotely coherent come out of Trump’s mouth if it wasn’t hate-based—then he’s really articulate if it is.

Here are some typical Donnie weaves:

“First they say, ‘Sir, how do you do it? How do you wake up in the morning and put on your pants? And I say, ‘Well, I don’t think about it too much.’ I don’t want to think about it because if I think about it too much maybe I won’t want to do it, but I love it because we’re going to do something for this country that’s never been done before.”

“So many mistakes were made” ahead of the Civil War, Trump said. “See, there was something I think could have been negotiated, to be honest with you. I think you could have negotiated that. All the people died. So many people died.”

“Abraham Lincoln, of course, if he negotiated it, you probably wouldn’t even know who Abraham Lincoln was,” Trump said. “He would’ve been president, but he would’ve been president, and he would have been — he wouldn’t have been the Abraham Lincoln.”

Uh huh.

Weave The People, baby. Here’s another doozy:

“ Robert E. Lee, who’s no longer in favor — did you ever notice it? He’s no longer in favor. “Never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill.” They were fighting uphill. He said, “Wow, that was a big mistake.” He lost his big general. “Never fight uphill, me boys,” but it was too late.”

Gettysburg. Wow.

Buddy, Lee isn’t in favor because he was a stone cold racist who tried to overthrow the United States government.

Know anyone like that?

You’re falling out of favor, too. The Union buried its dead in his front yard, pal. Think about it. You know, like you buried Ivana on your golf course for an abatement.

Here he is, jumping the shark. Eaten by sharks or electrocution because of the boat battery?

“You know what I’m going to take? Electrocution…I will take electrocution every single time.”

“I said, ‘What would happen if you’re out at sea and your boat sinks and you have a whole big electric deal under you — would you get electrocuted?’ He said, ‘You know, nobody’s ever asked me that question.’”

“So if that boat goes down and you have a shark that’s 10 yards away, so you have a choice of a shark or being electrocuted — I will take electrocution every single day. Do we agree?”, Trump babbled incoherently, or, as he calls it, weaving.

I don’t think Trump needs to have a friend who’s an English professor.

He needs a friend who’s a psychology professor.

Good luck to that friend untangling the tangled verbal web Trump, um, weaves.