J.D. Vance had sex with a couch? Hillbillionaire Elegy/Orgy!

We shouldn't spread these sorts of rumors. At all. Sex with a couch. Do NOT spread that.

Sen. J.D. Vance, a social media person publicly asserted the other day, had sex with a couch.

Well, technically, it was a latex surgical glove filled with, you know, something that would facilitate sex with a couch. Now, to me, I’m not a couch guy at all. I mean, I like couches, own several, think some of them as very nice (I just bought a new sectional a few months ago, but have no current carnal knowledge of said couch), and may have even said, off-handedly, “Oh, I love that couch”.

But not love love it.

A wag buddy of mine said, “Put me in, couch, I’m ready to play!” Oh, my commenters had a field day.

“Practice safe sofa”. “ Listen to me. I did not have sectional relations with that sofa”. And so on (insert your punchline here).

You know. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. In what has to be the funniest Associated Press retraction evah, the staid AP had to write something like, “The Associated Press retracts a story involving Sen. J.D. Vance having sex with a couch”.

This tryst with a sofa episode was allegedly described in “Hillbilly Elegy,” Vance’s much-vaunted book about his life as an underprivileged kid in Appalachia. It’s a pretty moving story, and when Vance wasn’t a lying hypocritical hooker back then, I kind of had an interest in the storyline.

Now I see every single thing J.D. Vance has ever said and done is either a calculation and/or complete and total bullshit.

Look at this man now. Yes, he was a Marine. thank you for you service. He got out and had the G.I. Bill pay for his Ohio State undergraduate education and Yale law degree. Fantastic. Then he wrote a very well-received book. My mother-in-law read it and liked it, and she was about as smart a lady who I have ever known.

Then Vance went to Silicon Valley and fell into the fascist cell he now currently proudly represents. You know, Peter Thiel? That guy? The gay man who sued, on behalf of Hulk Hogan (another loon who they decided would be ideal to introduce their orange felonius punk —I see what I did there—nominee, the now non-existent news site that doesn’t exist because Thiel gave Hogan a ton of money to shut it down.

They did.

Now, you would think that Peter Thiel, as a closeted gay man, might have some empathy for other people out there who are burdened by their sexual preferences or gender identity. Well, not in 2022, when the snot-nosed Yale punk from Middleburg Uhihiya, the guy who suffered with a mother who was hooked on opioids (horrible), decided to run hisself for the You-Nited States Senate.

He positioned himself fast; he started a foundation of some kind to create the illusion that he actually gave a flying eff about people who weren't as fortunate as he was. That didn’t last very long, so he and his new wife, another Yale Law grad (clerked for Roberts AND Kavanaugh) he had met in Silicon Valley while toiling for authoritarian- adjacent billionaires like Peter Thiel, packed up the truck and moved out of Beverly.

Shills, that is. Swimming pools, movie stars, fascist gearheads.

This faux Carhartt jerk decided he wasn’t getting any traction, so he decided to completely, and I mean, renounce his previous correct tweets and statements about President Donald J. Rapist Felon Liar.

Oh. These are rich, baby:

Per CNN: “At a fundamental level, this is sort of a ‘he said, she said,’ right? And at the end of the day, do you believe Donald Trump, who always tells the truth? Just kidding,” said Vance sarcastically. “Or do you believe that woman on that tape?”

And also per CNN, In October 2016, Vance tweeted: “What percentage of the American population has (Donald Trump) sexually assaulted” Wow. OK. Nice.

Hmm.

Then Vance said this, also per CNN:

“Maybe the Central Park 5 could take out a full-page ad to condemn the coddling of thug real estate barons who commit serial sexual assault,” read the post, again posted just after the “Access Hollywood” tape surfaced.

Another post liked in 2016 by Vance said, “I wish there was a 2nd Vice Presidential debate just to see (Mike Pence) deny that Trump said he grabbed pussy.”

And so on.

Trump, being a narcissist, fell for Vance’s romantic ad(vance)s, which wasn’t towards a sofa, although Trump is about as smart as a lower-end sofa. Not even.

A footstool.

Trump then endorsed Vance, because Vance is a world-class, and I mean world-effing-class buttsuck.

Vance then defeated the very able Rep. Tim Ryan, who lost by five points. God knows why he couldn’t get five percent of the people of the Great State of Ohio to see that Vance was an utter fraud on every level.

Next thing you know, old Vance is a millionaire, and his buddy Thiel gave him $15 million for his race.

Why?

Don't think these bastards weren’t grooming him for the presidency. And, if we are not careful, he will be the heir apparent to his Orban-wannabe running mate, who is 79 and looks every second of it. Trump was the young and kicky one in the race, and now, with Joe out, he’s the oldest major party nominee ever.

Snort.

He’s so goddamned smart, this Trump Felon.

Interestingly, the Democrats got their act together in 24 hours (how the AF?), and now have an utterly plausible new presidential nominee who is everything that Trump is not. Now the GOP is privately fretting (shitting their pants) that Vance is a liability. He is, and I said that the split second they named this slithering pile of fauxbilly.

Plus, Vance looks like a creep. And dude, the eyes.

Now Thiel isn’t even gonna write checks to Trump because he’s disappointed in his position on transgender people. Oh? Anything else trouble you, Pete? The white supremacy? The stupidity? Naw. For such a smart guy who takes transfused blood from teenagers, you’d think Peter Thiel just fell out of a coconut tree, in the now-immortal phrase of Kamala Harris’s mom. No, Thiel didn’t.

Parenthetically, Thiel and Vance named their start-ups after various aspects of the Lord of the Rings.

Jesus Christ.

So here we are. Kamala has the Big Mo, Trump looks like he squandered an assassination attempt to rehab himself, and he now has a running mate who thinks battered women should stay with their husbands.

That wouldn’t even play well in Appalachia, buddy. Got wife-beaters?

Vance would look so bad in one of those.

But hey, Trump and the New Thousand Year Reich GOP aren’t above lying. Remember when Trump, along with his whore publisher David Pecker (oh, it’s all so beautiful), said that Sen. Ted Cruz’s father was with Lee Harvey Oswald in New Orleans? Remember when Cruz had stones (temporarily) and denounced Trump then? No?

He does, and I do.

So here we are, on the dull end of a disinformation campaign. Normally, I am against this sort of thing, but today, it’s good for these people to have the sharp end.

J.D. Vance? Sex with a couch? Hmm.

We. Just. Don’t. Know.

Just sayin’.

Don’t tell anyone that Vance has had sexual relations with that divine Davenport.

Wait until after you’ve read this, though.

The truth about Trump and Vance is that they are a match made in hell, and they can’t worm out of this one. I am sure Trump and his enablers want Vance gone, so they can put up a more acceptable veep, a woman who is willing to sacrifice her personal integrity on the altar of DJT.

Maybe Julia Louis-Dreyfus is available to act the role.

Or perhaps Michael Richards would be better, since he gets the nomenclature (N-word career-ender) that the GOP is going to use against Vice President Harris.

I’m tellin’ ya, Jerry!

This is going to be big!

Maybe J.D. can light some candles, open a bottle of bubbly, and slip into something comfortable on his sofa.