Biden-Trump: A debatable use of time
Here's a fantasy transcript in case you decide to watch something more enlightening...
“Good evening and welcome the far-too-early CNN debate/WWF cage match. I’m Jake Tapper, a rather solid political cartoonist, and my co-moderator tonight is Dana Bash, who isn’t really very good at cartooning at all.”
“Gentlemen, here are the ground rules. President Trump, no interrupting, swearing, abject pathetic lying, falling asleep, snoring, or inciting a riot. President Biden, do not say ‘I’m not kidding’”.
“The first question is for President Biden. Mr. President, you’ve presided over record employment growth, got us out of global pandemic that initially looked like it could cause 25% unemployment, passed a massive infrastructure bill without using the phrase ‘Infrastructure Week,’ brought sanity back to the White House, didn’t rip up the Rose Garden in favor of some weird movie set reminiscent of ‘Christmas at The Shining,’ and exiled a rabid German Shepherd to Wilmington, Delaware. How do you explain your continuing low approval numbers?”
“Man, look. Listen. Here’s the deal. I can’t possibly explain this. This is not a political environment I’m familiar with when I dealt with Strom Thurmond and Mike Mansfield in 1973. Heck, Nixon was a saint comparatively speaking, and Agnew was just a sloppy accountant next to Orange Boy. I just came in, tried as hard as possible to be boring, and generally conducted myself not like a seven year old having a sugar crash. If you can tell me why I initially got dinged for pulling out of Afghanistan as Trump suggested, and tried to navigate a war that has eluded solutions for 2,000 years, well, I’ll bite. You got me.”
“President Trump, rebuttal?”
(MIC GOES BACK ON AS SPITTLE LANDS ON BIDEN’S LECTERN, CATCHES TRUMP MID-SCREAM)
“…and frankly, people, my presidency was even better than Washington’s, Lincoln’s or even Franklin’s or Hamilton’s, who hasn’t gotten enough credit as a president I gotta tell you, and more and more people are talking about Hamilton and maybe it would make a good musical, I don’t know.”
“Question for President Trump. Sir, you’ve been accused of fomenting an insurrection, thinking the assassination of Vice President Mike Pence maybe was an OK idea, and very nearly getting a bunch of Capitol Police officers killed while you suggest all the police love you. Do you think that January 6th was a good thing for our country?”
“I love insurrectionists. Patriots. Heroes. When they forced the entire U.S. Congress to hide under chairs and desks while my Man With A Weird Buffalo Headdress stole Lying Nancy Pelosi’s lectern, I loved them, they’re very special, they have a great choir, incidentally, which they recorded in prison, and then made Kevin McCarthy and Mitch McConnell act like statesmen for 30 seconds, l take full credit for uniting the political lunatic fringe of this country, uneducated jackasses wearing red adjustable baseball caps, and every creep who couldn’t tell you the difference between NATO and NASCAR, that’s a real accomplishment that, frankly, I haven’t been getting any credit for from obsessed Jack Smith, Fani Willis, Alvin Bragg, conflicted Juan Merchan, and the depraved communist Fake News Deep State.”
“President Biden, rebuttal?”
(AIDES ADMINISTER SMELLING SALTS AND DEFIBRILLATOR SHOCK PADDLES TO BIDEN; HE THEN GETS UP)
“I can’t believe that this clown is getting any votes outside of a mental institution.”
“President Biden, can you briefly explain how the Federal Reserve works?”
“It’s a central bank that sets interest rates and regulates the economy through setting money supply (M1), which also includes 12 regional reserve banks and their 24 branches, each with their own charter. Together, they form the Federal Open Market Committee, or FOMC, which was formed through the Banking Act of 1933. There are seven members from the Federal Reserve Board, the president of the New York Fed (currently John C. Williams), and four of the heads of the other eleven regional banks, serving a one year term on a rotational basis.”
“President Trump, your response?”
“Do they have ATMs? A lot of people are saying that they need more ATMs, otherwise how can they be a real bank? Do they give away toasters when you open an account? What about drive-thru tellers?”
“President Biden, foreign policy is a key part of the job of president. What would you do to strengthen our nation’s position in the world?”
“First, NATO is key to our long-term survival in a very dangerous environment in Europe. I will do everything I can to strengthen NATO, particularly Article Five of the NATO Charter, and will continue to support Ukraine’s fight against the expansionist aims of Vladimir Putin. Second, our position in the Pacific is on the line, and we must maintain a constructive relationship with China, whether it’s military, political, or economic in nature . Finally, America must always lead by example, and that’s why I believe our mission is to encourage and defend democracy and human rights around the globe.”
“President Trump, what do you have to say to that?”
“A lot of people are saying that Putin is such a bad guy in Rusher Rusher Rusher, no collusion. except for the millions they invested in my big, beautiful hotels. Are we that pure? I’m not, believe me. Look at his houses. Very, very classy, expensive houses with hundreds of bathrooms, big beautiful bathrooms with gold leaf everywhere, with big beautiful toilets he can flush sensitive documents down with no water restrictors. Have you tried to take a shower in one of those things? It’s terrible for my luxurious head of fiberglass hair that is stapled on surgically, dyed chartreuse, and lacquered with some glue, like some 3M fixative, and needs lots of water filled with tasty micro plastics and lots of relaxed federal water standards.”
“Plus, you can be attacked by a shark or electrocuted by a sinking boat battery in water.”
“NATO is filled with people who don’t pay their bills. Can you believe it? They don’t pay their bills. It’s like they were the Trump Organization. As for Ghina, Ghina should send us some pandas and let my bestie Kim Un Kong be king of Korea or whatever, he writes such beautiful letters because he loves me.”
“Gentlemen, let’s examine the role of religion in your lives. President Biden, you’re first.”
“I think that after Pius V's original Tridentine Roman Missal, the first new typical edition was promulgated in 1604 by Pope Clement VIII, who in 1592 had issued a revised edition of the Vulgate. The Bible texts in the Missal of Pope Pius V did not correspond exactly to the new Vulgate, and so Clement edited and revised Pope Pius V's Missal, making alterations both in the scriptural texts and in other matters. He abolished some prayers that the 1570 Missal obliged the priest to say on entering the church; shortened the two prayers to be said after the Confiteor; directed that the words "Haec quotiescumque feceritis, in meam memoriam facietis" ("Do this in memory of me") should not be said while displaying the chalice to the people after the consecration, but before doing so.”
“President Trump?”
“I am Jesus.”
“Gentlemen, the time has come for final statements. President Biden will go first.”
“Folks, come on man, look, listen, here’s the thing, the deal, not kidding…”
(BUZZER)
“I’m sorry, President Biden, you broke a ground rule and your time is up.”
“Forgive me, father”. (CROSSES HIMSELF).
“President Trump?”
“No more elections. No more immigrants. No more taxes. No more PGA rules.”
“That concludes this debate. Now stay tuned for 23 days of fact-checking everything President Trump said.”
Fantasy transcript? Sounds like you got to witness the real thing ahead of time. I'm just ticked that I wasn't invited.
This Pope Clement had a lot of chutzpah to change the text of scripture