The Tim Walz-JD Vance Debate Prep!
I have made up two memos, that may or may not be accurate, like Vance...
TO: SEN. VANCE
FR: TRUMP VP DEBATE TEAM
RE: BRIEFING
As Gov. Walz is known as “folksy”, “sincere,” and “honest”, you’ll be forced to counter these public perceptions in the debate. As you possess none of these qualities, it’s important to highlight your strengths.
—YOU’RE A SERIAL PREVARICATOR WHO OPENLY SAYS THAT LYING TO MAKE A POINT IS ACCEPTABLE.
The Debate Team thinks that, in addition to the Springfield, Ohio narrative, you should add a critical swing state city into the mix. We’ve selected Scranton, Pennsylvania, and want even more heinous allegations that can be easily made into Instagram memes and TikTok videos.
“In Scranton, not only are they eating the pets, they’re having their parents for dinner, and not over for dinner. For dinner."
“Is this the kind of Scranton you want to live in? Mom and Dad served up in a tasty and nutritious hot dish?”
(THIS IS WHERE GOV. WALZ WILL CHALLENGE YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF HOT DISHES).
—STRESS YOUR EXPERIENCE IN GOVERNMENT, WHICH ACTUALLY CONSISTS OF THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF TIME ON A PARKING METER.
Everyone knows you’ve been in the U.S. Senate just long enough to vaguely remember your office number (reminder: it’s 288 Russell Senate Office Building), so you need to take that obvious weakness and complete lack of executive experience and make it into a strength. Mr. Trump made a career out of not remotely understanding or being reasonably prepared for any job he undertakes, and it’s a winning combination with The Base.
Offer a stark contrast to Gov. Walz’s five years as a re-elected Minnesota governor and six terms in the U.S. House of Representatives, in addition to his quarter century as a non-commissioned officer in the Minnesota National Guard.
Wait. You just standing there with your attempted beard and running mascara should do the trick.
—SPEAKING OF MASCARA, LET’S MAKE SURE YOUR MAKEUP ISN’T INCOMPETENTLY APPLIED PRIOR TO AIR TIME.
While Ivanka has no direct role in the campaign, she has offered to do your makeup at no charge, other than her usual My-Daddy-Is-Trump-Give-Me-$1,000,000-Retainer. Alternatively, Melania can do it for $100,000 if we list it as a campaign speech.
—BRING UP YOUR CLOSE ASSOCIATION WITH THREE MAJOR SILICON VALLEY/ WHITE SUPREMACIST/SOUTH AFRICAN BLOWHARDS.
Wait. No. Don’t.
—PLAY UP BEING THE WEIRDO; DON’T LET GOV. WALZ DEFINE YOUR WEIRDNESS. OWN IT!
Gov. Walz made the word “weirdo” a Democratic buzzword in this campaign. The Debate Team thinks you should expand on your weirdness and go even further, such as “freak show”, “Twilight Zone stuff”, and “escaped mental patient”.
For example, you admitted, on camera, with Tucker Carlson (your Kremlin handler), that the dog accompanying you is a “rental dog”, which, according to you, is a campaign ploy to make you look like you like dogs. Carlson even said that was “weird”.
The Debate Team Advice: bite the dog live on camera in front of Gov. Walz, and scream, “ONLY LEGAL AMERICANS CAN EAT THE DOGS!” Then decapitate the dog with your own canine teeth. It will send a message to illegal immigrant dog-eaters (and to Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s supporters) that you’re “one of them”.
Speaking of weird, you should also really rip into Gov. Walz’ policy in Minnesota to provide free tampons in schools. Keep calling him ‘Tampon Tim”, because we want to make sure we didn’t miss offending any additional women. Plus most people don’t know what this tampon thing is all about anyway.
Lean into it.
—STOP THE DEEP STATE ASSASSINATION SPECULATION, THAT’S MELANIA’S JOB NOW.
The Debate Team advice: since you’ve completely blown it with women, cat owners, everyone within a hundred miles of Springfield, Ohio, real hillbillies, and people who tell the truth, making further gains with voters who think in conspiratorial terms is unlikely and are already in the bag anyway.
—NOVEL CONCEPT OF A PLAN: Maybe just try being polite for ninety minutes. Couldn’t hurt.
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TO: GOV. TIM WALZ
FR: HARRIS VP DEBATE TEAM
RE: BRIEFING
As Sen. Vance is known for being, shall we say, ideologically flexible, you should focus on your core strengths and convictions.
—PLAY UP YOUR STRONG BELIEF THAT MINNESOTA TURKEYS ARE, IN FACT, VEGETABLES.
Enough said. They are. Low on fiber, however.
—CONTRAST YOUR HOME REPAIR SKILLS WITH VANCE’S.
Try these lines:
“I’d like to introduce Sen. Vance to a 3/8 inch cordless electric drill. With the right set of bits, this is a great all-around tool for basic home repairs. I know they don’t teach this at your fancy Yale Law School, where the most complicated tool they use is a wire brush to clean their bongs.”
“You know what’s a great home repair hack? Make sure you put soap on the wood screw prior to drilling. It will go in one heck of a lot faster, and it also makes it easier to remove the screw later if you make a mistake. Knowing Sen. Vance, he’s the type of fella who doesn’t know a wood screw from a standard anchor bolt.
“And don’t get me started on electric chain saws. They feel underpowered, and you can trip on those cords, or step in a puddle when it’s plugged in. That’s your ticket to the big duck blind in the sky”.
“Sen. Vance talks a good game about gutter maintenance, but at the end of the day, you gotta get those screens on way before fall, because those twigs can be the real issue. Those leaves deteriorate way faster than the twigs”.
—REMIND VOTERS THAT MINNESOTANS ARE DE FACTO NICE, UNLIKE VANCE AND TRUMP
Maybe these lines of attack might be effective:
“I see where Sen. Vance is attacking childless cat ladies, and, to me, that’s just plain impolite where I come from. He may even think that Haitian immigrants want to eat childless cats ladies (see above joke about having parents for dinner). But lemme tell you something, since you’re here. We Minnesotans don’t take to rudeness, and if JD Vance was on my football team, he’d be doing extra tackling sled drills after school for backtalk and guff. These guys are all backtalk and guff. The only attacking Vance should be doing is slamming hard into Faribault’s offensive line, which I can assure you ain’t a bunch of childless cat ladies. They’re no Albert Lea, buddy boy. Of course, Ol’ Bone Spurs wouldn’t last five minutes against Rochester John Marshall, either.”
“All I can tell you is that Donald Trump and JD Vance would be pretty darned lonesome at a Lutheran church basement social with that kind of attitude. They’d be going around yelling about the coffee being too cold and that the cream has been sitting around too long —then griping that the donuts were probably secretly bused in from the Twin Cities instead of homemade. We’d give those fellas a good talking to, for starters, and maybe we wouldn’t tell them if leeches were the best bait on Lake Mille Lacs in October, or if chartreuse was the best jig color. No one wants any complainers in the deer stand, either. Trump says he’s pro-gun, but he couldn’t hit his ass with both hands with a Remington 870. He also doesn’t know what a Lindy Rig is, and it shows.”
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NOT A MEMO:
I noted with some amusement that Rep. Tom Emmer —the successor to Rep. Michelle Bachman, who succeeded Tina Fey as the pre-eminent Sarah Plain impersonator—was going to play Tim Walz. Not that Emmer is a nationally-recognized congressman, but he’s a power hitter in the House GOP to be sure.
In fact, he was very much the leading candidate to succeed the morally and intellectually lax Speaker Kevin McCarthy, who was forced out of office under a set of hostage-taking rules the House GOP Caucus foisted upon him. Emmer started making calls to be elected speaker and was making headway, until Trump called him "totally out-of-touch with Republican Voters" and a “globalist RINO”.
So Emmer dropped out because Trump sh*tcanned him. Then the comically obscure Rep. Mike Johnson, a religious kook and Trump-enabler, became speaker instead.
Here he is, less than two years later, apple-polishing Trump, again, by helping Vance prepare for the debate against Walz. Oh, all of a sudden, he’s the Minnesota Chairman for the 2024 Trump campaign in Minnesota.
Thank you, Mr. Not Speaker Out of Touch With Republican Voters Globalist RINO, for your service.
I suppose Emmer—a native of South Bend, Indiana—can do a Minnesota accent and all, but I doubt that he’ll be all that great at doing Tim Walz, who doesn’t have what I would call a really strong Minnesota accent—a Nebraska lilt to it, anyway. Garrison Keillor doesn’t even have a knockout Minnesota accent.
I remember going to my 20th high school reunion in St. Paul, and an old buddy comes up to me and says, “GodDAMMIT. Jack OWE-min. How ya doin’?”
“Great, Doug!”
“SO. You’re a political cartoonist out there in ORE-UH-GONE".
“Yeah, it’s great. I love the ocean, the fly fishing, the backpacking.”
“JEE-SIS CUH-rist. What happened to your accent? You sound like you’re from California.”
I know I probably told this one already, but repeating it because I love it.
Speaking of South Bend, Indiana, Sec. Pete Buttigieg, every Democrat’s Gee-Wouldn’t-It-Be-Great-If-We-Lived-In-That-Country-Potential-President, is playing JD Vance.
Off the top of my head, I can’t think of someone who would be more diametric and stylistically opposite the mendacious JD Vance.
Also, off the top of my head, why doesn’t JD Vance use periods between “J” and “D”? Just another Vance affectation, I suppose.
Anyway, my guess is that Secretary Pete will be so good at playing Vance that Walz will be picking the leaves out of his gutters after a few Pete Seshes.
Fortunately, Vance will say the same crazy stuff during the debate (like his new American Hitler/Hero, DJT), and Walz will pounce on it immediately.
I think this debate will have very little effect, but it will be far more interesting, as Vance can form complete sentences, even if they’re complete fabrications.
If I were Walz, I would talk about Yale Law School versus Menard’s (a Minnesota Home Depot-style big box). All Walz has to do is quote Vance on Trump prior to Vance’s selection, and he will.
The sum total of the attacks on Walz from Vance have been false, thus far. They can’t even Swift Boat correctly, and Trump’s team even has the political strategist who came up with Swift Boating in 2004.
At least he didn’t bash his neighbor’s dog in with a shovel. And if he did, RFK Jr. would be right there with a recipe and a chainsaw.
It’s getting late in the game, and the cake is closing in on baked.
So is the hot dish.
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