"All The President's Men II": The Remake. Directed by Jeff Bezos

Barely a parody, people...

Opening scene: Break-in, Democratic National Committee office, The Watergate Hotel

OFF-DUTY D.C. POLICE OFFICER: There’s a break-in at the Democratic headquarters.

OTHER OFF-DUTY D.C. POLICE OFFICER: We can’t arrest them. The Trump Administration did it, therefore it’s not a crime. They said it’s a hoax. Plus we’re in undercover clothes.

DISPATCHER: I forgot about sweeping presidential immunity, but check it out anyway. While you’re at it, see if you can arrest Clarence Thomas for something. He’s obviously on the take. But don’t worry, the Post won’t take a position on him.

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Scene: Washington Post newsroom

DEPUTY MANAGING EDITOR HARRY ROSENFELD: Woodward, there was a break-in at the Democratic National Committee.

WOODWARD: What do you want me to do about it? I’m covering the ten best pancake places in Washington.

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Scene: Washington, D.C. municipal courtroom

JUDGE: Bring in the seven defendants. State your names.

GROUP: “Stephen Miller, Roger Stone, The Guy in the Weird Head Dress, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Steve Bannon, Matt Gates, Barron Trump.”

WOODWARD: Rut roh.

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Scene: Executive Editor Ben Bradlee’s office

BRADLEE: What have you got, Bob?

WOODWARD: Seven burglars were arrested at the Watergate for breaking into the DNC Headquarters.

BERNSTEIN: Can I get in on this story? I’m tired of doing Maryland high school football scores.

BRADLEE: Try and see if you can get anyone to go on the record. And did Anne Arundel beat Chevy Chase?

WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN: But the Orange Shirts will arrest us.

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Scene: Assistant Managing Editor’s office

WOODWARD: This goes right to the top. President Trump and Vice President Vance were the masterminds.

BERNSTEIN: But Trump is senile.

WOODWARD: Duh, But Project 2025 codified GOP political burglary as a legal under a federal statute under Attorney General Ted Cruz.

BERNSTEIN: I can make some calls, just to kill time until the new football scores come in.

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Scene: Washington Post newsroom

WOODWARD: Gotta make some calls to verify this happened. We should call Press Secretary Stephen Cheung.

BERNSTEIN: Good luck with that. I think he might be AI.

WOODWARD: They’re all AI.

BERNSTEIN: Mr. Cheung, this is Carl Bernstein from The Washington Post.

CHEUNG: Oh, yes. You’re one of Bezos’s cosplay reporters.

BERNSTEIN: Mr. Cheung, we were wondering if you had any comment about the break-in at the Watergate and the DNC Headquarters.

CHEUNG: Fake news. A hoax. A complete fabrication. There was no break-in.

BERNSTEIN: Um.

CHEUNG: And we’re putting you and Woodward down for re-education camp, then deportation.

WOODWARD: You’re going to deport him to Maryland?

BERNSTEIN: At least it’s a short drive.

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Scene: Washington Post newsroom:

BERNSTEIN: Attorney General Cruz, this is Carl Bernstein of The Washington Post. We’re running a story that says the Trump Administration was responsible for the break-in at the Watergate, and we also found out they’re selling non-existent $100,000 watches.

CRUZ: So what? He has total immunity, and even if he didn’t, Merrick Garland kinda slow-walked this whole thing. Whatev. Listen, Jeff Bezos isn’t going to get his schlong caught in a big fat wringer, but Arnold Palmer certainly could.

BERNSTEIN: Woodward? Maybe we should just go start Substacks.

Scene, Washington, D.C. McDonald’s:

WOODWARD: The story is going nowhere.

BERNSTEIN: This feels a lot like these people are being told not to talk.

WOODWARD: Yeah, by Bezos.

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(Scene: 2:00 AM, Parking garage, Alexandria, Virginia)

DEEP THROAT: Where the hell have you been? I’ve been waiting for hours.

WOODWARD: Sorry. We had an all-staff meeting with our new publisher from Fleet Street and Murdoch.

DEEP THROAT: How did that go down?

WOODWARD: We talked him out of topless photos on Page Six, and our new editorial page editor worked swing shift at an Amazon Warehouse. Oh, and Kellyanne Conway was given an office in the newsroom. Anyway, the story is going nowhere.

DEEP THROAT: Follow the grift.

WOODWARD: Follow the grift. OK, tell me about that.

DEEP THROAT: Oh, I can’t do that. You’ll have to figure that out yourself.

WOODWARD: I’m tired of your chickenshit games! Tell me what you know!!!

DEEP THROAT: OK, calm the hell down. The break-in is part of a larger conspiracy orchestrated by billionaires, mostly from South Africa, whose main motivation seems to be crypto currency acceptance, and they installed Vance as VP so they can invoke the 25th Amendment. Get out your notebook, there’s more.

WOODWARD: Buddy, that’s not news. Everyone knows that.

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Scene: Ben Bradlee’s front lawn, 4 AM

BERNSTEIN: Woodward says that Deep Throat said our lives are in danger, and that this a huge conspiracy involving the highest levels of the White House and the U.S. intelligence community.

BRADLEE: Are you tired? Go take a two hour nap, take a hot shower, and get back to work. Nothing’s at stake here except the First Amendment, freedom of the press, the Constitution of the United States, and maybe the future of the country. But if you guys fuck up one more time, I’m gonna get mad.

WOODWARD: Maybe we should call Bezos.

BRADLEE: Don’t bother. He’s down at Mar-A-Lago working out new favorable postal rates with Trump and Louis DeJoy.

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Hey folks, you’re the best. I’ll catch you tomorrow with something or the other. Also, be of good cheer—it’ll be fine. Trust me.—J